High beef prices means good news for food truck vendors

Fredericton — If you are planning to put a burger on the grill this weekend, it is going to cost you a little more. In fact, an alarming trend in the rise of beef prices in Canada has seen the price of a pound of beef rise by nearly 50% in the last 18 months, according to Statistics Canada. But while this news might rain on the parade of burger and steak fans, owners –and patrons– of New Brunswick food trucks are ecstatic.

Food Trucks, essentially low-brow restaurants on wheels, offer diners a wide variety of curb-side delicacies from far-flung regions of the planet, presented in attractive, colorful manners,  with ambiguous ingredients lists. And, as Leon King, owner/operator of “Leon King’s Sandwich Safari” told The Manatee, the devil is in the details when it comes to street food:

“We sell beef burritos. A big seller. If there is no beef, no problem. We remove beef from the ingredients and replace it with the words “meat” or “meaty filling.” By law, we can substitute any meat for beef as long as it carries the “AAA” grade. That Fish taco you’re eating? It’s actually mutton with a turnip salsa.”

A little culinary sleight-of-hand is one thing, but do food truck patrons notice the difference? Do people ask “Where’s the Beef?”   We spoke with customers at the “Mei’s Big Weenie” food van, found parked in a Northside Mortuary parking lot. When each client was asked if he or she could tell what the meat in their all-beef hot dogs actually was, we received mixed results. Some patrons believed it was beef, one said it was definitely old shoes, two were vegans who were polled by mistake, and finally, one patron who compared it favorably to a Laotian Duck Comfit she once had while hiking through Australia.

Overall, however, the big meat-mix-up of 2015 has been all simmer and no steak. Or mutton or even goat, as was the case. New Brunswickers like their meat, regardless of the source or taste, and that is a trend that won’t be changing any time soon.

Relocation of St. Thomas University “Fallacy,” says mayor

Fredericton — Is St. Thomas University relocating to another city in New Brunswick again? That’s the word coming out of Miramichi this week. But contrary to rumours suggesting that the university will  be moved back to Miramichi, its mayor has publicly stated that this is not the case.

The university, which was founded in Chatham in 1920 as “St. Thomas College” remained in the community until 1964, when it entered into an agreement with the University of New Brunswick to forever live in its shadow, and relocated to Fredericton. Miramichiers (the colloquial epithet for those people living in the various communities along the banks of the Miramichi river) have a long-held sense of pride at having rid themselves of the college and the negative influences it had on the town. Mayor Gerry Cormier, when questioned about the rumour that the university may return to Miramichi again, responded: “Sorry, but we have no interest in going down that road again. It’s buyer beware, you know. No give-backs. Finder’s keeper, I guess. We don’t need all those hippies and free-thinkers with their keggers and arts and culture.”

The rumours began to swirl after The Manatee learned that the Fredericton City Council had began plans to demolish the college buildings and raze the campus to make room for “BradLand,” a theme park tribute to the long-serving mayor, Brad Woodside. Leaked documents stated that

STU’s prime location, wonderful view of the city below, and proximity to the Dr. Everett Chalmers Hospital make it ideal real estate for a theme park with waterslides, motor sports and a petting zoo.

Officials from Fredericton City Council were not available for comment.

Relocation of St. Thomas University “Fallacy,” says mayor

Minister to Commission Study on Dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide

Fredericton — Bowing to pressure from the province’s environmental watchdogs and concerned citizens groups, Minister of Environment and Local Government, the Hon. Brian Kenny has announced that his department will be commissioning a study into what dangers, if any, Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) may pose. This poorly-understood chemical compound has been discovered in alarming quantities in the province, which has led to hundreds of calls and emails to the Minister’s office. Signs reading “Save us from DHMO” have been seen on lawns and in windows across the province since May.

In a press conference held Friday, department of Environment and Local Government spokesperson Leona Pugh stated  “We are moving forward with an in-depth study of this chemical compound, about which we know so little.This study is in response to questions and concerns from residents across the province about possible health and environmental effects of DHMO.” The research, she said, will paint “a more complete picture of the potential health impacts of this chemical as well as its impact on the environment.”

Asked if the public’s concerns about DHMO are valid, Pugh attempted to allay concerns by stating that existing research indicates that Dihydrogen Monoxide is not classified as a toxic or carcinogenic substance on its own. “It is found in pet food, health care products, and energy drinks. It is also found naturally in the ocean. And while it has been given to soldiers going into battle and administered to drug crops, its long-term effects on people and the planet are still unknown. We expect the results of this study to help us identify the chemical compound’s sources and eliminate them as a threat to our beautiful province and its beautiful people.”

Pugh concluded the press conference with the promise to “ensure that Dihydrogen Monoxide is removed from all schools, hospitals and public places by 2016” if it proves to be a threat of any kind.

The Manatee will continue to follow this story.  Follow hashtags #DHMO and #knowthedangers to stay up to date on this issue.

Baggage handler admits he stowed weed in Hatfield’s suitcase

Hampton — In 1984, New Brunswick premier Richard Hatfield found himself at the center of a scandal after a quantity of marijuana was found in his luggage during a routine security check at the Fredericton airport.  The premier was travelling with Queen Elizabeth II during Her Majesty’s royal tour.

Hatfield, known by some as “Tricky Dick,” denied the stash was his, claiming that someone else had planted it inside his bag. He was charged under Section 3 (1) of the Narcotics act by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and was ordered to appear in court later that year. Although he was acquitted of the charges, his reputation was forever tarnished. His leadership was challenged and his Progressive Conservative party lost every seat in the 1987 provincial election.  He resigned the leadership immediately after and faded from the public eye.

This week, in a surprising development, someone who was present at the time of the search-and-seizure has stepped forward to take responsibility for concealing the dime bag in the premier’s luggage.  Terry Brent, now retired and living in Hampton, New Brunswick, felt it was high time to admit his involvement in the scandal. Brent said that the recent talk about decriminalization of marijuana has encouraged him to come forward and clear the hazy air. Expecting that he was now no longer in danger of losing his job and pension, Mr. Brent approached The Manatee to set the record straight.

“I always kept a bit of grass in the inside pocket of my coveralls. On that day, I was really freaked out, you know, because the Queen was coming. I didn’t know whether to bow, or shake her hand, or avoid her gaze and stare at the floor. I panicked and put my weed in the first bag that came down the conveyor belt.  It was only after The Fuzz got involved did I realize I’d messed up real bad, man.”

“I felt real bad about setting Dick up like that.  He was a good guy, just misunderstood by the squares. It wasn’t even my good weed either.  Mostly seeds and stems.”

Brent is hoping that the RCMP will release the baggie of marijuana to him if it is no longer considered evidence in the case.

Baggage handler admits he stowed weed in Hatfield’s suitcase

Fredericton City Council to ban prayer, Black Mass at council meetings

Fredericton — New Brunswick’s Capital City will be making a minor –yet monumental– change to how it commences city council meetings. Effective immediately, there will be no prayer to begin each meeting, nor will  the much-celebrated Black Mass follow each meeting in the caverns beneath City Hall. These changes are the result of a recent Supreme Court of Canada ruling which stated that prayer at municipal council meetings “infringes on freedom of conscience and religion.”

“It doesn’t matter if we are praying to God or to Satan, ” Councillor Stan Coldwater stated in a break from council proceedings. “As the representatives of the city’s citizens, we have always covered our bases that way.  Now, with no opening prayer or Black Mass,  we are apt to piss off the guy upstairs and the guy downstairs at the same time.

However, the developing situation is not as clear-cut as it seems. Some of the younger and more technically-adept city council members have taken to technology to get around the Supreme Court ruling. At the beginning of the last council meeting, several of the attendants were seen texting each other with messages meant to embody the long-standing tradition.  The exchanges were brief yet poignant, with messages such as “Go for God!” and “Satan Rules!”

It is unclear as this story goes to press whether the city counsel will condone this behavior or risk angering both Heaven and Hell in adhering to the recent ruling.